


How to do Romance

by Mareepysheepy



Category: South Park
Genre: Except for when he’s an icky boy, F/M, M/M, Tweek is a beautiful soft boy, help this useless child, south park girls are awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-06 00:27:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12805623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareepysheepy/pseuds/Mareepysheepy
Summary: Tweek has come to the staggering revelation that he has no idea what he’s doing.The girls, on the other hand, definitely seem to have their shit together.





	How to do Romance

Tweek had always got on well with girls. Growing up, he’d often found himself in their company, chatting to them in hallways or sitting with them at lunch. Sure, he enjoyed playing around with the boys, but he definitely seemed to spend more time around girls than his peers did.

He supposed it was something to do with the girls figuring out that he was gay, even before the Japanese helped him to figure it out for himself. The girls probably thought that he was safe. He never minded, although he wondered what gave him away considering that he got into fights and didn’t take much care of his physical appearance (running away for kisses during that weird Paris Hilton party may have contributed, but he preferred not to think about that night.)

Tweek lived the tortured experience of being an anxiety-ridden extrovert daily. It definitely got easier when he started dating Craig, finding himself able to feed off social interaction with someone who actually _calmed_ him down. He could let go with Craig. Open up and share his thoughts without the usual monster of self-doubt biting at him. Sometimes they fought over Tweek being _too_ open with his feelings, but Craig was starting to get really awesome at handling that now too.

For Tweek, it was definitely easy to talk to girls these days. The other guys lamented over how they were practically alien, but to Tweek they were just other people he could talk to. He had no expectations of them and they had no expectations of him. And they seemed to like him. Tweek could never be totally sure since his anxiety liked to tell him anything from they secretly hated him to they secretly want to kill him, but Tweek was generally able to push those thoughts to one side.

Tweek fancied that it was almost like a super power at times. He was one of few boys in South Park able to walk out of Raisins with a nearly full wallet. The girls in there didn’t even try to make nice with him any more because he simply didn’t care if they thought he was the coolest guy they’d seen today. It was flattering, sure, but after a while he’d had to gently start breaking it to them that he wasn’t interested and that he had a boyfriend. They all seemed to be weirdly homophobic though because each one of them reacted with frustrated groans.

It was precisely because he was freed of the chains that his male peers were afflicted with that he could even consider approaching girls for advice. They were a lot better at reflecting on feelings than guys like Clyde and Token were, and often had well-thought out solutions. They rallied around each other and problem-solved together in a way that Tweek thought was kind of cool. The guys, by comparison, tended to be a bit too creative and the action was always inexorably disproportionate to the issue itself. Especially if Stan and his gang were involved.

Tweek shuddered at the thought and made his way over toward Wendy.

“Ah, hey, Wendy,” he said, stopping far enough away from her to not make her jump or appear creepy.

Wendy looked up from her locker and graced Tweek with a warm smile. “Tweek,” she said. “How are you doing?”

Tweek gave her a shrug, although it was more of a twitch of his shoulder. “I’m okay. I was actually kind of hoping I might be able to talk to you?”

Wendy paused, her soft face creasing at the brow as she frowned lightly in concern. “Of course, Tweek. Do you need to speak to me as your student body president?”

“No,” Tweek shook his head. He lifted his hands towards her palm-first to try to ease her concern, although he appreciated it. “Nothing like that. It’s more because-” he broke off, pausing to look around. For good measure, he dropped his voice. “I sort of need help from you as a girl.”

“Oh.” Wendy looked surprised, eyebrows lifting and disappearing into her fringe. “Well I guess that’s fine. I was going to hang out with Bebe, Red and Nichole after school. You’d be welcome to come, unless it’s private.”

Tweek stopped to consider that for a moment. He chewed his lip as he turned the idea over in his mind. On one hand, he really didn’t want to act like some camp stereotype, hanging out with a group of girls. He’d come to Wendy because he remembered how nice she was to him after his and Craig’s fake break-up. She’d been so sincerely caring at the time that Tweek had felt really bad for lying to her. Ever since then, he’d held Wendy in pretty high regard. To the extent where he thought that Stan was quite lucky to be dating her.

On the other hand though, more people give more balanced views and Wendy could be a _little_ extreme at times. Plus he didn't doubt that whatever he told any single one of them would end up being knowledge of the entire group.

“No,” Tweek said slowly, weighing up his words as he chose them. “It’s not private really. I’d be grateful if I could stop by for a little while.”

Wendy smiled again, looking reassured that she wasn’t about to be walking into some major issue. “Okay. Meet at mine after school?”

Tweek nodded. “Sure. Thanks, Wendy.”

“No problem.”  
—

 

It was three-thirty or thereabouts by the time Tweek knocked on Wendy’s front door. He’d sent Craig a text to say that he wouldn’t be walking home with him today, but would definitely see him over the weekend. Craig hadn’t seemed to mind and promised that he’d send Tweek a Snapchat of Stripe #4.

Mr Testaburger answered, looking down at Tweek. “Hello?”

Tweek subconsciously grabbed his shirt, tugging lightly. Kids were fine to talk to, but adults were another matter. Their eyes always followed his jitters and jolts with suspicion and it always made Tweek feel uncomfortable.

“Hello, sir. I’m here to see Wendy?” He said, voice a little bit wobbly from nerves.

Mr Testaburger looked surprised. “One moment, please,” he said, closing the door until it was just open by a crack. Tweek wasn't sure why he did it, because he could still hear the conversation behind it.

“Wendy? Why is there a _boy_ here?”

“What? Oh, dad that’s Tweek!”

“You know how I feel about boys being in your room, young lady.”

“Dad! It’s _Tweek_. You remember Tweek don’t you? From the pictures.”

“Tw- Oh. Oh. I see.”

The door swung open again. This time, Mr Testaburger looked much more welcoming. “Come in, young man,” he said in a warm voice.

Tweek had to fight the urge to drop his head and frown at the adults’ continued inability to let the pictures go. Instead he forced a smile and stepped over the threshold. He glanced around, taking in the new environment but quickly found Wendy waiting for him on the stairs.

“Hi, Tweek. Come on up,” she invited.

Tweek nodded and toed his shoes off, following Wendy up the stairs and into her room. The girls were already assembled and looked entirely like they’d been expecting him, all flopped around the room without any apparent concerns.

“I told you that Tweek was looking for some advice?” Wendy said, although it looked like she didn’t need to.

The girls all nodded and issued a chorus of “Hi, Tweek.”

Tweek gave them a little wave back, shifting from foot to foot.

“Sit down,” Wendy said.

Red patted the space on the floor next to the beanbag she’d commandeered. “Come sit next to me.”

Tweek nodded and stepped over towards her, sitting on his ass and leaning his back against Wendy’s bed. “Thanks,” he said when he was comfortable.

“So,” Red grinned, diving straight in. “Boy trouble?”

“Red!” Wendy broke in. “We can’t go assuming that it’s that!”

Red was still grinning, looking almost predatory. She looked like boy trouble was her favourite snack and that she’d been waiting her entire life to try the gay variety.

“Um,” Tweek shifted, honestly a little alarmed by her satisfaction. “No?” Red looked disappointed at that. Worryingly, so did Bebe. “Well. Kind of?” Tweek forged on. Bebe and Red lit up again.

“What? What?” Bebe urged him on. “Tweek this is one hundred percent a safe space and we won’t judge anything!”

“Jesus, girls,” Wendy broke in again. “Let him speak.”

Tweek shot Wendy a grateful look. “It’s nothing _bad_ ,” he said, proceeding carefully. “It’s just I don’t know how to be…” he trailed off, feeling extremely lame. By this point even Nichole had sat up straighter and leaned in closer.

“How to be what, Tweek?” Wendy said, voice gentle.

“...romantic,” Tweek finished, ears growing hot with a tell-tale blush.

Red sunk back, looking thoroughly disappointed. Bebe grinned and clapped her hands together. Nichole cooed slightly and laughed. Wendy blinked in surprise.

“Romantic?” Wendy repeated.

“Yeah,” Tweek replied, embarrassed. “I’m just not… it doesn’t come naturally to me.”

Bebe nodded, ignoring the other girls. “Is there a reason why you want to be?” She asked.

“Well. Yeah,” Tweek said. “Craig is pretty romantic, you know? I want to be able to do the same back.”

“Wait wait wait-” Red burst back in, suddenly looking a lot more interested. “ _Craig Tucker_ is romantic?”

Tweek cringed. “Ohmygod!” He whimpered, only just realising that he might be unintentionally destroying Craig’s reputation. “Please don’t tell anyone any of this.”

“ _Red_ ,” Wendy barked. Tweek looked up at her to find her staring at Red with a stern expression. “Tweek came to us for help and that’s what we’ll do. Nothing leaves this room.”

“Yeah,” Nichole agreed. “We promised him a safe space, Red.”

Red pouted and nodded with some reluctance. “Fine. Nothing leaves the room, but I’m not gonna pretend that I don’t find the thought of Craig Tucker being romantic hilarious.”

“It’s not hilarious,” Tweek frowned, defensive. “He’s really great.”

The entire room -minus Red- broke out into an ‘awww’. Tweek blushed again.

“Okay,” Bebe spoke up, taking charge again. “Why don’t you tell us about some of the things that he does. That way we can help you to come up with ideas.”

Tweek considered it. It sounded like a good idea, but he couldn’t help but be concerned that Craig’s reputation was at stake.

“We promise,” Bebe said again. “Nothing leaves the room. We’ll even pinkie promise on it.”

“That’s a pretty sacred oath,” Wendy agreed. They all nodded in response sagely and Tweek watched as they all took turns to hook pinkie fingers together. Honestly, he found it weird, but whatever worked to keep their mouths shut was fine with him.

“Okay!” Bebe said cheerfully, leaning forward to rest her chin in her hands, elbows on her knees. “Tell us what kinds of things he does.”

“Um well,” Tweek paused, taking a moment to think about how to approach this. He settled for reeling off lists of things. He liked lists, after all. “He holds my hand all the time. Like he’s usually the one who offers. And when he does, sometimes he strokes his thumb over my hand which makes me feel all warm inside. Oh- and he calls me nice names like ‘honey’ or ‘babe’. And he knows that I like baking and tries to help even though he sucks. And he’s really good these days at knowing when I’m starting to get freaked out and he talks to me. And even when he’s getting annoyed with me because he doesn’t get why I’m so upset, he still tries to listen and understand. Oh and when my laptop broke he just gave me his without me even saying anything. And he insisted that the guinea pig I got him is _our_ guinea pig. And he sticks up for me, but not in like an overly chivalrous way you know? Because he knows that I can fight back. But once when this guy really hurt my feelings, he beat the shit out of him and got detention for it and he said that it’d been worth it. And he gets me little gifts. Just small things like fidget spinners and worry dolls but they mean a lot. And- what?” Tweek stopped, almost breathless. All the girls stare at him slack-jawed and Tweek grew worried that he’d said something to piss them off.

He jumped when Red threw herself back and groaned noisily. “For fuck’s sake! Why can’t _I_ have a gay boyfriend?”

Bebe pouts. “Screw you for turning him gay, Tweek.”

Wendy laughed at that, although she too looked a bit frustrated. “Wow, Tweek. Congratulations on the A-plus boyfriend material.”

Tweek huffed, haunching in on himself. “I know that. I _know_ that I’m lucky. That’s why I came here. It’s not like I _want_ to talk about my personal life.”

Wendy and Bebe rein in their irritation at that. “Tweek?” Bebe asked.

“I’m not here about Craig. He’s great! _I’m_ the one who sucks. I haven’t got a romantic bone in his body. I call him ‘dude’ or ‘asshole’. Or ‘stupid’,” he broke off to cringe at that. “It’s like I have a block on me. I’m fine at expressing my feelings normally, but when it comes to being romantic, I end up punching him in the shoulder or screaming at him.”

Red grimaced at that and it confirmed everything that Tweek had been worrying about: He’s a shitty boyfriend.

Unable to help it, Tweek buried his face between his knees, feeling powerless and emotional.

“I’m scared I’m going to lose him.” There. He said it. “I’m really bad at all this and he’s going to get tired of me and find some other guy. He’s so sweet to me and I’m just this enormous fuck-up.”

Hands appeared on his shoulders, their touch gentle but firm.

“Tweek.” It was Wendy. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Everyone is different, but that doesn’t mean that they’re bad. You care enough to want to change how you act. If you care that much, you’re not bad at this.”

“Nope,” Bebe said. “I wish that _I_ had a guy crying over how much he wants to make me happy.”

“I’m not crying,” Tweek replied. And he wasn’t, although his voice was pretty tight and thin as a reed. He was grateful that none of the girls pointed that out.

“Tweek, why do you think you struggle with it?” Wendy asked.

“I dunno, man,” he replied, voice still tight and alarmingly close to shrill. He was glad that it was at least muffled by his arms. “I mean it’s not like I ever thought about getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend before Craig. It’s all just sort of happened and developed from there but Craig is just so much better at it than me. It’s like I’m just not romantic or affectionate as a person, and when I even think about trying, I just get embarrassed.”

“Why embarrassed?”

“Because I feel awkward. Like I’m outside of my own body, watching myself look stupid. Or like everyone will laugh at me over how much I suck,” he replied.

“Do you think Craig will laugh?” Nichole asked. She sounded like she was sitting closer to him now.

“I don’t care if he does,” Tweek admitted. “It’d be funny for both of us. I just don’t want _Craig_ to be the one who’s embarrassed. I don’t want anyone laughing at him because his boyfriend is lame.”

“Oh, Tweek,” Wendy said, sounding sympathetic. She -or at least Tweek assumed it was Wendy- placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. “Craig seems like he’s become a nicer person since he started dating you. I mean he’s never going to be _nice_ but he’s definitely nice- _er_. So at the very least you have that to be proud of.”

“Yeah, he’s sickeningly into you,” Red sighed. “So you must be doing something right.”

“Really?” Tweek replied, a little dubious, but kind of grateful for their encouragement. He definitely couldn’t talk to guys about this stuff. Most of them acted like feelings were toxic waste, despite the fact that Tweek is pretty certain they all have them.

“Okay so let’s start simple. Craig sounds like he likes physical contact,” Nichole's voice filtered to his right. “Do you hug much?”

Tweek lifted his head from the safety of his hidey-space. “I guess? I mean sometimes he loops an arm around my shoulders or waist?”

“Well maybe that’s a nice starting point,” Nichole suggested. “Go up to him and give him a hug. A proper hug.”

“But that’s like… _really_ gay,” Tweek argued. All of the girls looked back at him like he was an alien.

“Uh… is that a problem?” Wendy asked after a moment of silence, confused.

“Well. No,” Tweek replied. And it wasn’t. He and Craig aren’t sappy like that. But then considering his tirade earlier over what a good boyfriend Craig is… “No. It’s not a problem,” he confirmed, nodding. Hugs. He can do hugs. Hugs sound pretty nice actually. Craig was warm and comforting, so being surrounded by him might be awesome.

“Maybe lean into him when you’re hanging out too,” Nichole continued. “If he doesn’t like it, you’ll tell. You're pretty good at reading people, Tweek. If he does like it, I’m sure he’d appreciate it.” Tweek nodded, storing the information away. He pictured it, and then pictured Craig returning the gesture, leaning into his shoulder. It made his heart inflate with a primitive, little swell of protectiveness. He wondered if Craig would feel the same little thrill of pleasure and decided that he wanted to share that feeling with him.

“If you like baking, why don’t you try making dinner for him?” Bebe suggested, moving to sit closer to Tweek. “Or just make him something that he likes. It doesn’t have to be complicated.”

“It doesn’t?” Tweek asked.

Bebe laughed. “No! Everyone always thinks that romantic gestures have to be big and bold, but actually the most romantic thing anyone can do is just show someone that they care and that they were thinking about them.”

“Oh…” Tweek reflected on that. He thought about Craig a lot. “But what if I come across as weird or needy?”

Bebe laughed. “Okay, there is such a thing as being weird with it. I mean, don’t go giving him things every, single day. But seriously, Tweek. You’re a pretty empathetic guy. You’ll be able to tell, Plus Craig is pretty straightforward. I think he’d say if he thought you were being creepy.”

For a moment, Tweek found himself unable the breathe. Most people -including his own parents- saw him only as a twitchy spaz, but here these girls were using words like ‘empathetic’. He looked at the girls in turn, amazed, but he couldn’t do anything but nod, lost for words.

“Tweek, I know it’s scary,” Wendy finally spoke up again, taking the lead with ease. “I’ve agonised over it, I’m sure everyone in this room has: How am I coming across? Does he think I’m weird? Am I being too clingy or too distant? The truth is, everyone has their own brand of romance. The fact that you _want_ to be romantic _is_ romantic. In the end, all that matters is that you make the effort to show him that you care. That’s what romance is.”

“Sappy as that is, she’s kinda right,” Red agreed. “This shit doesn’t have to be big band and broadway dancing sort of stuff. Small things matter, as long as they’re thoughtful and personal.”

“You’ve just got to stop letting fear hold you back,” Wendy added. She followed it with a conspiratorial wink. “A confident man is sexy too.”

“Sexy,” Tweek nodded. “Small things. Okay.”

“This is fun,” Nichole giggled. “What else does Craig like, Tweek?”

Tweek took a moment to think. “He likes Red Racer, Stripe #4, and… uh. That’s pretty much it.”

“What about films? Music? Sports? Date places?” Nichole pressed.

“Anything with explosions; whatever is on the YouTube video he’s put on; likes playing, not so keen on watching; and I dunno. Stark’s Pond? We like to see who can hit the furthest target with rocks, especially if it looks or smells weird,” Tweek replied. The girls looked a little green at that  

“You’re both such _boys_ ,” Red groaned.

“Well, yeah,” Tweek replied, a bit mystified. The girls all laughed in response. Tweek didn’t follow what was so funny. Throwing competitions were fun. The last time they’d gone down there, they’d found a shopping cart to aim at. Afterwards Craig had taken out a pen knife and carved their initials into a tree again. They’d gone home and had a cocoa (Craig) and a mocha (Tweek) and warmed up by touching each other with their cold feet. It’d been a pretty perfect date in Tweek’s books.

He didn’t realise that he was smiling fondly at the memory until Red pointed it out. In a slight daze, Tweek realised that they’d continued speaking. All four girls were looking expectantly at him and Tweek belatedly realised that they were waiting for some sort of response.

“I think I’ve got it,” he said, smiling.

“Huh?” The girls all looked a bit perplexed, which made Tweek think that perhaps they’d been having a very separate conversation to the one that had unfolded in his head. Still, he’s grateful to them.

“Thank you,” He said, gracing them with a sincere smile. “I think I’m starting to get it. I think I need- no, I _want_ to be a little more physically affectionate with him. And maybe be a little more honest about how much I appreciate him. I think it’s important not to hold myself back so much any more.”

“Uh. I mean, you’re not wrong, Tweek, but how did you get that from us talking about a candle-lit Italian dinner?” Bebe asked, confused.

Tweek laughed. “He’d hate that. He doesn’t like garlic much and he doesn’t like having to take his hat off.” No, Craig would prefer a meat feast pizza take-out from Whistling Willie’s on rocket-themed paper plates, at a table lit by green lava lamps, followed by binging on the Star Trek remakes with Stripe #4 between them. Maybe most people wouldn’t find that romantic, but Tweek -with his newfound views on what romance really was- suspected that Craig would. In fact, he was looking forward to putting it all together himself.

“There’s a couple of things that I want to do. Thank you for helping me to be less afraid of making a dork out of myself. I guess that every romantic gesture boils down to people making dorks of themselves!” Tweek smiled, pleased with his discovery.

“Uh I’m not sure if that’s what we were saying but… you’re welcome?” Wendy replied.

“Now for your payment!” Bebe grinned, looking positively wicked.

Tweek swallowed, feeling nervous suddenly. “Wh-payment? I don’t have any money on me.”

Red cackled next to him as all four girls got to their knees. “Oh no, Tweek. We don’t want _money_.”  
—

 

Tweek showed up at Craig’s doorstep eight minutes after he text him to say that he was on his way. Craig had been a little bit confused since Tweek had said that he was busy that night, but he hadn’t been doing anything noteworthy so Tweek dropping by was entirely welcome.

To his enormous surprise, he’d barely even said a word of greeting before he found Tweek’s face pressed to his collar.

“Uh-” he said intelligently, breaking off again when Tweek’s arms went around his middle. He stood frozen for a long moment before Tweek’s light squeeze around his waist spurred him into action and without a second thought, he lifted his arms and wrapped them around Tweek in return. His first instinct was to feel a surge of worry. His second was to realise how nice this felt.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, apprehensive.

He found himself surprised again when Tweek stepped back, out of the embrace and smiled with a pleased expression. “Everything’s okay.”

“You sure?” Craig pressed, searching him for any signs of distress.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Tweek laughed. “I can hug you for no reason, Craig. I just wanted to.”

To his shame, Craig felt his entire face heat up at that. It was too late to turn away. By the time he realised that he was blushing like a schoolgirl, Tweek had definitely noticed.

“Dude, not cool,” he muttered, standing to one side in silent invitation.

“You didn’t like it?” Tweek asked as he stepped inside. Craig could see that he was smiling with amusement, but there was definitely a trace of unease in his expression.

Unable to help himself, Craig covered his face with his hand, pulling a face at the way that the heat radiated into his palm. “I didn’t say that,” he grunted, closing the front door.

Tweek laughed in response. “Okay. Noted.”

“Good,” Craig grumbled, not at all displeased by the surprise hug. His insides felt as warm as his face did. He turned back to face Tweek, about to ask just what had got into him when he paused.

“Did you cut your hair?” He asked, perplexed.

Tweek groaned and ran his hand through his hair. “Not quite.”

“And is that _glitter_?” Craig said, blinking.

“I’m really glad that I’m gay, dude,” Tweek answered with a weary conviction that was beyond his years. It wasn’t quite the answer that Craig had expected, but somehow, at some cosmic level, Craig understood it to be the best answer Tweek had.

“Okay, well whatever happened, I’m glad that you’re gay too, babe,” he laughed in response.

“C’mon, let’s go and watch Dog Fail videos in your room,” Tweek grinned, offering his hand.

“Sure,” Craig replied with a little smile, stretching his arm out to link their fingers together. “But if you get glitter anywhere, I will kill you.”

“Romantic,” Tweek said with a smile.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I broke off writing an epic about these two trying to do the do in order to write 4,000 words about Tweek figuring out that he wants to hug Craig. 
> 
> Hmmm.
> 
> Also, I’m super grateful for any and all nice comments people have left on my other stuff. They really make me smile, but I tend to see them when I’m at work and then I forget to respond. Lo siento.


End file.
